The Final Final Epilogue for Twilight

Emmett and Jacob discuss the battle-that-almost-was.

JACOB: Man, the Volturi are complete idiots!
EMMETT: What do you mean?
JACOB: They totally fell for that "shape-shifter" b.s.
EMMETT: You mean that was fake?!? Aaargh! We could have had an epic battle! You idiot!
JACOB: But...but I thought we saved everyone...
EMMETT: No! The Volturi still rule the vampire world!You know what? Forget this, I'm going to go fight the real war! [Flies off on a stolen jetpack]

Meanwhile, in the Shadow Queen's lair...

MESSENGER: Oh great Shadow Queen! I have terrible news!
SMEYER: [Strokes her evil pet cuttlefish] What could possibly be wrong when all my precious main characters are safe?
MESSENGER: Well, it would seem that we have seen a serious decline in our fanbase (and thus the amount of money pouring in) in the past few years.
SMEYER: [Waters her evil pet cactus] Why? How could this have happened?
MESSENGER: It is the one they call...Dan Bergstein [Triumphant fanfare] He has disillusioned the masses to your schemes. And he has become a werewolf as well.
SMEYER: [Feeds her evil pet racoon] Ah, yes the one they call Lt. Lasermind. Well, I have a way to take care of troublemakers like him. Release the drones.
[In the caverns below her evil castles, an army awakes...thousands of brainwashed robots, eager to do their master's bidding...]
SMEYER: [Holds her evil pet locust] Nothing can save you now, Lt. Lasermind...

To be continued in: The Adventures of Emmett and Lt. Lasermind!

Blogging Twilight: A Summary

If you are unfamiliar with the awesome Blogging Twilight by the even more awesome Dan Bergstein( his wrists are adequate!), then you live in a hole and should be publicly humiliated. In his blog, Dan bravely tackles the phenomenon chapter by chapter and lays bare the horror underneath. With the recent completion of Blogging Breaking Dawn, I thought it best to summarize this greatness in no uncertain terms.

Twilight
Bella meets Edward
Bella and Edward love each other

Dan meets Emmett and Jacob
Dan thinks Alice is a good character

New Moon
Edward runs away...for some reason
Bella meets Jacob. Things are good
Edward returns. Things are bad.

Dan hates Bella because she is whiny
Dan loves Emmett and Jacob
Dat hates Alice because her power makes no sense

Eclipse
Edward is an abusive boyfriend
We all FINALLY get a vampire-werewolf battle

Dan hates Edward because he is abusive
Dan loves Seth Clearwater

Breaking Dawn
Edward and Bella get married
Edward and Bella have a baby, Renesmee
Jacob falls in love with Renesmee
???
profit!

Dan hates Jacob because he is a baby-dater
Dan hates Renesmee because she is impossibly perfect
Dan kind of forgets about Seth Clearwater

Tolkien Culture 101

So you want to be a Tolkien nerd? Do you think you have what it takes to take on the Balrog Wing Debate, the Eagles to Mount Doom Argument, or the Origin of Tom Bombadil Speculation? Maybe you just want to fit in with your more geeky friends.

Well listen up, because here's the rundown on all the places you gotta go to know Tolkien.

Websites

For a classic, I'd try Fyling Moose of Nargothrond and their Tolkien Sarcasm page. Also, check out Perrianath.com and Sauron Blog, both made by the hilarious Erik David Evan. Periannath is a must for news and Tolkien studies, particularly the series Tolkien 101, so that you too can be a nerd. Sauron Blog is a liner story, telling the story of Middle-earth from the bad guys' perspective. Right now it's around the War of the Elves and Sauron. Arwen Undomiel is a good site for language.

Videos

Every time I see this, I think of Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli in atechno band. Gimli on drums, Aragorn on guitar, and Legolas singing.

Not as popular as the Isengard one, but still the second-best LotR remix out there.

One Does Not Simply X Into Mordor

Inspired by thet one line in that one scene, fans quickly proved that you CAN walk into Mordor, as well as fly, teleport, snowboard, and catapult yourself. The best are the rhyming ones: One does not simply rock into Mordor is my personal favorite.

Also, see this.

So, now you can join the geekdom! Because, you know, geeks will one day rule the world. |:)

Super Bowl Commercials - The Big Finale!

This is it! The END!

This elicited a chuckle. 5/10 funnies.

Beer commercials number...4? 3? Rating: 5/10 funnies.

The secrets of the human mind, laid bare. Rating: 7/10 Funnies.

Animal Kharma, again. Sweet. Rating: 5/10 Heart-warmers.

Oh, that's clever. Rating: 5/10 Awesomes.

These are good. Rating: 5/10 chuckles.

Rating: 7/10 Funnies. But that clown got PWND!



Bye! That's it! We've ended witha bang, haven't we. Go home, now. And clean up all those pretzels!

Superbowl Commercials - Second and Third Quarter

And we're back! Remember, we're counting the beer commercials, rating all the funny and lame ones, and saving your Facebook news feed from clogging.

This was HILARIOUS! Rating: 10/10 Funnies.

Niiiice. Rating: 8/10 Funnies.

Lesson #2: Coca-Cola solves all your problems. Actually, this may have some weight. Rating: 5/10 Heart-warmers.

Awesome. I know it made me laugh. In fact, this may be the best commercial this year. Rating: 8/10 Funnies.

I love these Snickers commercials, but this has taken the cake. Rating: 7/10 Funnies.

I'm sure we've all run into these guys. Rating: 6/10 Funnies.

See? Everything is a cycle. Rating: 6/10 Funnies.

OMIGOD! We know exactly how you feel. And I think he is a girl. Rating: 8/10 Awesomes.

No. Rating: 1/10 Fails.

I'm gonna let the video speak or itself. That's epic. Rating: 5/10 Heart-warmers.

By the way, that Half Time show sucked. And was it sponsored by Tron or something?

All About Super Bowl Commercials

Super Bowl Commercials. Some were good. Some were bad. A few were funny. Most were about beer. So here thet are, the terrbile ones, the future viral video ones, the beer ones. Well, maybe not all of them. I'll leave out the movies. I'll also keep it PG. (This means YOU Kim Kardashian!)

First Quarter

They didn't do anything to the kitchen!. Rating: 5/10 Funnies

I love animal revenge. But didn't we see this last year with the shock-collar dog? Rating: 5/10 Funnies.



If I were to be arrested, I would want to go to Fancy Prison. Rating: 5/10 Awesomes.



One, disturbing. Two, is he snorting Doritos? Three, I will never eat Doritos without thinking of this commercial. Rating: 7/10 Funnies.



Senior citizens are funnier than animals or kids. Scientifically proven. Rating: 7/10 Funnies.



No can will hurt that much. Rating: 4/10 Fails (1 being the most fail).



Bud Light! The king of commercials. Rating: 7/10 Funnies. Beer commercail count: 1. Not an endorsement of Bud Light.

Hahaha! A volcano! What is it with that kid? Rating: 9/10 Funnies.

Lesson 1: Doritos solves all you problems. Rating: 7/10 Funnies.

I find it unlikely ANY car could be that good. Not even Bumblebee. Rating: 5/10 Fails.

What a jerk. Only semi-funny, but the fail overrules it. Rating: 2/10 Fails.

End of First Quarter. Go fill up your pretzel bowl and watch some football game until the next commercial.

Awesome Facts of the Week

Monday: Nose jobs appeared as early as 400 B.C. in India.

Tuesday: Houdini's real name was Erik Weisz

Wednesday: All polar bears are left-handed

Thursday: The ancient Greek philosopher Chryssiphus died from laughter (literally!) while watching a drunk donkey try to eat a bowl of fruit.

Friday: The Volkswagon Beetle was invented by the Nazis.