The Final Final Epilogue for Twilight

Emmett and Jacob discuss the battle-that-almost-was.

JACOB: Man, the Volturi are complete idiots!
EMMETT: What do you mean?
JACOB: They totally fell for that "shape-shifter" b.s.
EMMETT: You mean that was fake?!? Aaargh! We could have had an epic battle! You idiot!
JACOB: But...but I thought we saved everyone...
EMMETT: No! The Volturi still rule the vampire world!You know what? Forget this, I'm going to go fight the real war! [Flies off on a stolen jetpack]

Meanwhile, in the Shadow Queen's lair...

MESSENGER: Oh great Shadow Queen! I have terrible news!
SMEYER: [Strokes her evil pet cuttlefish] What could possibly be wrong when all my precious main characters are safe?
MESSENGER: Well, it would seem that we have seen a serious decline in our fanbase (and thus the amount of money pouring in) in the past few years.
SMEYER: [Waters her evil pet cactus] Why? How could this have happened?
MESSENGER: It is the one they call...Dan Bergstein [Triumphant fanfare] He has disillusioned the masses to your schemes. And he has become a werewolf as well.
SMEYER: [Feeds her evil pet racoon] Ah, yes the one they call Lt. Lasermind. Well, I have a way to take care of troublemakers like him. Release the drones.
[In the caverns below her evil castles, an army awakes...thousands of brainwashed robots, eager to do their master's bidding...]
SMEYER: [Holds her evil pet locust] Nothing can save you now, Lt. Lasermind...

To be continued in: The Adventures of Emmett and Lt. Lasermind!