The Final Final Epilogue for Twilight

Emmett and Jacob discuss the battle-that-almost-was.

JACOB: Man, the Volturi are complete idiots!
EMMETT: What do you mean?
JACOB: They totally fell for that "shape-shifter" b.s.
EMMETT: You mean that was fake?!? Aaargh! We could have had an epic battle! You idiot!
JACOB: But...but I thought we saved everyone...
EMMETT: No! The Volturi still rule the vampire world!You know what? Forget this, I'm going to go fight the real war! [Flies off on a stolen jetpack]

Meanwhile, in the Shadow Queen's lair...

MESSENGER: Oh great Shadow Queen! I have terrible news!
SMEYER: [Strokes her evil pet cuttlefish] What could possibly be wrong when all my precious main characters are safe?
MESSENGER: Well, it would seem that we have seen a serious decline in our fanbase (and thus the amount of money pouring in) in the past few years.
SMEYER: [Waters her evil pet cactus] Why? How could this have happened?
MESSENGER: It is the one they call...Dan Bergstein [Triumphant fanfare] He has disillusioned the masses to your schemes. And he has become a werewolf as well.
SMEYER: [Feeds her evil pet racoon] Ah, yes the one they call Lt. Lasermind. Well, I have a way to take care of troublemakers like him. Release the drones.
[In the caverns below her evil castles, an army awakes...thousands of brainwashed robots, eager to do their master's bidding...]
SMEYER: [Holds her evil pet locust] Nothing can save you now, Lt. Lasermind...

To be continued in: The Adventures of Emmett and Lt. Lasermind!

Blogging Twilight: A Summary

If you are unfamiliar with the awesome Blogging Twilight by the even more awesome Dan Bergstein( his wrists are adequate!), then you live in a hole and should be publicly humiliated. In his blog, Dan bravely tackles the phenomenon chapter by chapter and lays bare the horror underneath. With the recent completion of Blogging Breaking Dawn, I thought it best to summarize this greatness in no uncertain terms.

Twilight
Bella meets Edward
Bella and Edward love each other

Dan meets Emmett and Jacob
Dan thinks Alice is a good character

New Moon
Edward runs away...for some reason
Bella meets Jacob. Things are good
Edward returns. Things are bad.

Dan hates Bella because she is whiny
Dan loves Emmett and Jacob
Dat hates Alice because her power makes no sense

Eclipse
Edward is an abusive boyfriend
We all FINALLY get a vampire-werewolf battle

Dan hates Edward because he is abusive
Dan loves Seth Clearwater

Breaking Dawn
Edward and Bella get married
Edward and Bella have a baby, Renesmee
Jacob falls in love with Renesmee
???
profit!

Dan hates Jacob because he is a baby-dater
Dan hates Renesmee because she is impossibly perfect
Dan kind of forgets about Seth Clearwater